Crashin'

Last week I crashed girl's camp with my friend Lauren.

It brought on a weird nostalgia.

It made me sad, but I also felt like I was ready to move on. 

Not that I didn't love walking around and throwing a prank or two ;) 

Life is so weird right now. 

Growing up? Me? 

Today

So, here's the thing. I need some chocolate wicked bad. It's that sorta day.

Also, it's my brothers first day of school. Ha. Ha.

Oh course I'm working a 14 hour day so I should probably keep my mouth shut.

 

Last day at both jobs. It is definitely a weird feeling.

Ugh, dark chocolate & a diet coke. Sounds heavenly. 

Last Week

Decided not to say goodbye.

Just going to say, "see ya in 4 months." 

Why

You know those times when you are just so scared and tired

and you just don't know how to get where you want to be.

And then you think about the people you love and you worry you aren't 

showing them enough love

& then you worry yourself sick over them and their problems when you should be focusing on you.

And you just don't know if you have the strength in you right now to move on to this next big thing

And you are worried about this little life you've built and starting over.

But also you are dizzy and excited to be new and start out clean.

But you are still scared for everyone else. And you know you can't change that.

And you still aren't the person you want to be, but you're working on it. 

And you just want it all to play out like it does in your head

but it doesn't

and that makes you sad and frustrated.

I just can't believe today. Or this week. Or next week.

I'm not ready. We all aren't ready. This is all too too much. 

A Couple of Things

I've learned a few things lately. Most are on weight loss so bear with it.

1. All of that basic stuff everyone tells you is true about losing weight/being healthy.

eat whats good for you, exercise regularly, get enough sleep.

It's all true.

2. Patience is a virtue. But seriously, it is. Everyone wants an easy solution to losing weight fast,

but in reality the only way to lose weight and keep it off, is to progress slowly.

We all wish there was a magic pill that could make the fat  just fall off,  but it just doesn't exist.

3. Loving yourself is the most important thing. Waiting and wishing for a guy to love you is absolute bull until you love yourself. To all the girls who believe a guy is going to come along and 'save' them, that is the wrong mindset. It's YOU that needs to save yourself. After that, you'll find a guy and he will respect you for how much you care about yourself.

4. Think about how far you've come, and all the possibilities that lay ahead. When I get discouraged about my weight loss, I just remember that I've come really far and I remind myself that I am strong enough to keep going.

5. Remember to document your life. I've been getting back into journalling & taking pictures which is really exciting for me. I forgot how much I love these things. It's so important to keep the creative juices flowing!

6. Be nice to people. I've been in the worst mood lately. I think it definitely has to do with all the stress I have. I leave for college in 2 weeks! My to-do list is a mile long and some days I can't get out of bed. It has definitely hit me hard and affected my mood. I feel terrible for my attitude. I'm working on changing it!

7. I feel like I can't stress enough how important it is to love yourself! I think that the only way I'm going to lose the rest of this weight is if I truly tell myself, 'Hey, you're worth it!' I've also got to stop beating myself up. I'm doing my best and I have to accept it.

Ugh, anyways I'm trying really hard right now to get everything done and ready for school.

There are some meltdowns & freak outs in my future, I know it!!

Music Crush

This makes me wish I was in love. 

Trying

I'm learning to accept myself but I'm always going to strive for better.
This year is all about taking care of me. Do what I need to do for ME.
I hardly ever say that. But here I am. I'm learning to take care of myself.

I need to make exercise a routine. I need to lose these last 30 pounds.
I need to eat only unprocessed, healthy foods. I need to stretch.
I need to nourish my body.

I need to read books. I need to study my absolute hardest.
I need to keep learning no matter what.
I need to nourish my mind.

I need to read my scriptures. I need to pray.
I need to stay inspired. I need to make lasting relationships.
I need to nourish my soul.

With this goal in mind, I know I can do it.
I need to do it. I imagine myself a year from now.
It's a beautiful sight. I will be so happy.
So here I go. Let's do this.

We Like to Party

Happy Birthday to my Auntie Heather today!

She is such an amazing person and I love her so much.

Happy late Birthday to my Daddy!

I love my Daddy, and I don't know how I'm going to go 4 months without seeing him. Or mom. 

Any who, we've had 2 birthday parties this week. TWO. 

The babies are thrilled. I am too. I love to party. 

I love family, I love friends, I love good times. 

I'm so blessed, and so grateful. 

My life is so full right now. 

Also, I've decided to take more pictures of my day to day.

Sort of obnoxious, but hey, these days don't last long. 

Those Summer Days

I love my best friends. 

Unreal

Another one of my best friends is leaving tomorrow, but yesterday was the last time I'd see her. We threw a fun get-together and it was an awesome, relaxing day. I made her "we love you eliza!" cupcakes and we also got her a little present. As the day went on I was surprised. I thought I would be much much sadder. I mean this was the last time we would have a hang out like this; all together. I mean I know there's christmas and next summer, but honestly who knows whats gonna happen. It is all going to be different. I wish it didn't have to be, but it is what is going to happen. It needs to be accepted. And I'm trying to. Although I do actually think this little group has the potential to still be together 20 years from now. That's how much I love them all.

Anyways as the day died down, and we looked for shooting stars I just felt so peaceful. I mean everything happens for a reason. We are all going to go through so much change this year, but the outcome will be good overall. And my biggest fear is drifting from these people, the friends I call family, but I feel sort of calm about it. I feel like the distance will only make these friendships stronger. At least, that is what I hope. Eliza was the last to leave my house and with a 5 minute hug, the tears finally came. But I'm lucky, I'll be visiting her in Utah while I'm out there in Idaho. I think this year is going to take me, and everyone else, on an incredible journey. I'm actually pretty excited to see what this year brings!

I can hardly believe 3 weeks from today I will be boarding a plane. I've seriously got so much to do! I have so many people to see! All I really want to do is just stay at home all day and cuddle my puppies. Oh boy, this is going to be hard.

""

"I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life."

~Sylvia Plath

Music Crush

Okay so it has been so long since I've done one of these, so get ready for a bunch of my current favorites. I'm throwing 'em at cha! Also sorry for the randomness of these songs, that's just how i roll ;)

So..

getting excited for college...what...

How Dieting Feels

Check it

Met Sis. Dalton yesterday. Basically died of happiness.

She is so real and sweet. Her spirit fills a room.

Also I nearly fell off the stage I was so over excited!

She hugged me!! Gah! 

Goals

A couple of gems from the cruise.

It's a good thing I know how to present myself in public. 

Any who, my mind has been turning and cranking out ideas for future.

I am such a mess right now!

But basically, I've got some short term goals figured out.

Goals for my 1st year of COLLEGE!

1. eat healthy EVERYDAY. Make smart choices and only splurge when it is worth it.

2. get some form of exercise everyday- try for a workout at least 5 times a week, take care of your body.

3. kick butt academically. you are paying for this now--make it count.

4. wear clothes that reflect who you are, don't be a slob. try to dress nice everyday. 

5. make new friends, keep the old ones.

6. do good services, get involved.

7. read scriptures and pray everyday.

8. have CONFIDENCE! remember who you are and where you come from. be yourself!

I'm actually really excited for this. I want this to be a very important year in discovering who I am and what I want out of life. I've definitely been feeling lost, but I think this year will change that. I am going to be a different person by this time next year, in the best way possible! Can't wait!!! 

The Mondays

Man, do I have a case of the Mondays. I am just not in a good mood at all. It is probably from everything I've got going on. I just feel so dull. So blah. So I decided to make myself a little list of ways to stay inspired. Because if there is one thing I've learned, it is that staying inspired is so important to being happy. Otherwise you're bored. Lame. So here it is.

**Staying Inspired**

read good books

listen to new music

travel- try new things

take pictures

spend time with family

create-make memories

look through old things

be a kid- be silly, dream, stay young

watch old movies

play cards/board games

try new foods/cook

internet-read favorite blogs

keep a journal- document your life

talk walks-explore



Stuck in Limbo

Oh webcam pictures. So flattering. 

I am in such a funny place right now. 

Here it is, August.

Usually at this time I would be getting ready for girl's camp and thinking about starting back up at school.

But, not this year.

It feels so funny not to be doing the usual. 

It feels even worse to lose friends. 

The first of my friends is leaving this week and then it will be a nonstop train after that.

I mean I guess this change is natural and I just need to get used to it.

But I really don't like it. I also really hate not having a plan.

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!

I don't know yet, and I just need a sign! 

It is so weird. The goal has always been to get into college.

Okay, that happened. NOW WHAT DO I DO? 

I've been feeling so unreal these past few weeks.

Summer started out SO fun, with lots of adventures and parties.

But, now real life is here; its starting.

And I'm not ready. 

I'm not sure what to do with my life.

I'm not skinny enough yet.

I feel like I am going to lose everyone important to me. 

I'm not smart enough.

I am just not in the right place in my life for college to start.

I was hoping I would be, but I'm just not ready.

All I can think of is the momma and daddy bird pushing the baby out of the nest.

And they just need to learn how to use their wings right then and there.

Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. 

Maybe by next summer I'll have it all together.

Maybe I will be at the weight I want.

Maybe I'll have a clue where I'm headed. 

I at least can't wait to have my license back and party. 

Now there is something to look forward to ;)

Holy crap, this post is depressing.

I need to get back to my emma self. I NEED TO BE HAPPY.

Where the heck is my confidence?

I'm just so sick and tired of being the way I am. 

Actually, I'm going to go to the doctor and make sure everything is okay.

I'm crazy tired. And the fact that I eat like a rabbit but can't shed this weight is an issue.

Like, UGH can I just be smaller already? I'm doing all the right stuff.

Whoa man, time to stop complaining.

Okay, breathe in the good. exhale the bad.

inhale, exhale. inhale, exhale.

Bermuda

Yes, we went on a cruise to Bermuda.

& yes, it was absolute paradise.

Honestly, we were so spoiled rotten it was crazy.

It was such a fun fun week and I had so many adventures. 

I'll have to fill ya in later though, I need my beauty sleep. 

Oh Boy

So, it has come to my attention that I can now blog from my desk job.

You have been warned.

But, honestly can I just apologize real quick over yesterday's scatter-brained rant. I was all over the place. I'm not sorry that I let it all out like that though, because I really needed to. I've definitely missed this blog and yesterday sparked something. I really need to write more. So, I think that is just what I'm gonna do.

The only sucky thing about blogging from work is no pictures. Which is lame, because that is the funnest part. Yes, I know, funnest isn't a real word. Whatever. I seriously do need to update this blog with all my recent adventures soon though. It's been an eventful summer. First things first, I need to tell you a story. I have perfected it over the past few months and I think it's time I wrote it down. It's full of tears, embarrassment, and cops. Everything that makes a story great! Or in my case, not so great. Man, you are gonna love this. Here we go.

Sunday, May 7th: I'm wearing my new white dress I got for graduation. Seriously love it. Where am I? In the falcon, my favorite place, headed to my other favorite place, church. Yes, I know. Super nerd. I've got 3 friends kickin' it in the backseat and one beside me controlling the tunes. The very loud tunes might I add. And if you know anything about my car (the falcon, if you didn't pick up on that) it's that it is extremely small. Like if my hair's in a bun, I'm hitting the roof. So anyways, I can't really see behind me. Not well anyway, especially because all of my backseat passengers are tall tall. We are driving down the highway, having a lovely day when suddenly..

sirens. lights.

my heart jumps. my entire backseat is yelling at me to pullover and I do..to the left. And if you know anything, you know that is really bad. You never ever pull over to the left....ever. I learned that the hard way. Truthfully, I did know that to begin with, but seriously. For someone who has never been pulled over before, it is extremely nerve-wrecking. So, there we are in the car. The cop, the state trooper, comes up to my window. I've already got my licence and registration, the whole nine yards. But oh boy, was it ugly. He yelled and yelled. Not for my speed, but for my dumdum mistake. Why was I so dumb? Ugh, the left. Anyways after he is through screaming, and he goes off to write up my ticket, I explode. The tears started and they literally did not stop all. day. Everyone is trying to make me feel better; cracking jokes, and all that. But, I was a mess. When he came back, he had not cooled down at all. I got another earful about picking up speed or else we would all die. At this point I am a blubbering idiot trying to apologize. I really did feel horrible. What I did was dangerous. I was just so anxious and scared. So, he leaves and I pick up speed and get OUT of the fast lane right away.



At this point I still have to drive to church, which is far. The whole time I am shaky and the tears would not stop. I really tried to get it together, really I did! So we get there and I spent the majority of time in the bathroom. After all, my face was splotchy red and I was in no ways presentable. I called my parents to clear my conscious. They were very understanding, which was a big relief. But I still felt horrible. After church, we were eating and my friend asks me if I was going to lose my licence. What? It couldn't just be one offense right? So I run to the bathroom (again) and give my friend a call. Her boyfriend just got his licence suspended and I asked for the details. Then I had to inform her of the incident and the waterworks started, again. I discovered it only takes one speeding offense to lose your licence in MA and I was beyond upset. Like absolutely numb.

You know what I forgot to mention? I was going the same speed as everyone else. They teach you to go with the flow of traffic. 72 in a 55. That's what the ticket says. But let me tell ya, this is a major highway. Traffic was going at least 75 mph. I feel cheated. A car full of teenagers with their music loud is automatically a threat to the roads. Not fair. I mean yes, I am glad that the state takes safety seriously, but honestly this is a bit too serious. The fact that I'm a good kid, who was just going to church means nothing to them. This next part will surprise you. When I finally make it home and I look up what this incident entails, here is what I find. Oh and you can bet another cycle of waterworks occurred.

90-day suspension

$500 fee, in addition to the ticket

2 attitude retraining courses, each an additional $75

take permit test again

take road test again

Unreal. Just unreal. When I think about all the drug dealers speeding by doing 90 mph while I was on the side of the road crying to a cop, I just..wow. Oh, and also it is a total myth that if you cry a cop he will show mercy. Absolutely NOT true.

After learning my punishment I cried all night. No joke. My eyes were puffy the next day. It really messed with my make-up routine. Then I had to let people know my situation, which crushed me even more. I guess the moral of the story is, um, just obey the law. And always pay attention. You never know when a trooper is going to be trailing you. OH and always pull over to the break down lane. Even if you are in a frenzy. Because let's be honest, if I hadn't done that I wouldn't have gotten a ticket and I wouldn't be in this mess. This stupid mess.

It has been a frustrating few months. My suspension ends August 27th. I'm leaving Sept. 4th. The possibilities of squeezing in a permit and road test are slim. I have been chugging away at the classes though. Took the first one, and now I'm scheduled to take the 2nd on Saturday. Might I just say I seem like such a square. Everyone else in the class was hitting at least 100 while I don't even think my clunker has ever hit triple digits.

It's really hard not driving. It is probably my favorite thing to do and senior year was awesome because of it. I'm extremely independent so it is tough having to rely on my parents for rides again. I feel like I am going backwards. Am I really headed to college soon? It is just a really unfortunate situation but I have gotten some words of wisdom. I mean maybe I wasn't meant to drive this summer. Everything happens for a reason right? Also this is gonna be quite the lesson for my future kids let me tell ya.

Well, that's my story. So good right? If you see a gloomy girl kickin' it in the passenger seat of a minivan that's me. Looks like this post turned into a novel too. Hope this isn't a trend...