okay okay okay

weird overwhelming day

im stressed over too much

so i didnt do anything

but listen, i need to learn to take a break

i cant be hard on myself. 

im really learning how much health is a personal relationship.

my body and me, my mind and me, my spirit and me.

i feed my body whole nourishing foods (although ive had a little too much sugar & fat lately)

i move everyday, although i need to do a little bit more

& i spiritually nourish and have started meditating, which is amazing

yoga has been helping me connect to all 3 a LOT

okay so here it is, i am improving.

i really truly am. although im maintaining the weight i am at now, 

i know that i can lose those last pesky 20 pounds.

ill ramp up the exercise when i can.

right now i mentally cannot handle it. 

but summer is coming.

as for now though, i am truly learning how to take care of myself.

my food, my fitness, my soul.

im learning balance.

and its okay. it okay. its okay.

i have time. im not going backwards.

im always going forward.

im an adult now. this is my life.

i get to choose my lifestyle. and its awesome. 

i love fitness and improvement.

i just need to remind myself that it is personal.

i NEED to stop comparing myself.

i do it every single second of every day.

i need to stay passionate and fill my time with other things other than overthinking.

i think about food and fitness way to much until i feel terrible.

it consumes me. 

this is not how it is supposed to be.

its supposed to be about happiness. about self-acceptance. about self-love.

im doing the things i do because i love myself.

ill never have a successful life or relationship if i stay insecure.

im getting better. im getting stronger. 

im a hard working woman who is seeking a beautiful life.

the best life. 

HOLY YUM

rice cake with peanut butter, sea salt, cinnamon & apple slices.

Died and gone to heaven.

Scattered Thoughts

I need to blog right now.

Because things are fresh in my mind.

First off, it has been a great relaxing weekend in SLC.

But I've really got to get my lazy butt up & sweat it out.

"Sweat daily, indulge often."

I love this quote.

The other thing is I want to run! I've got running a marathon in mind,

but it is going to take a long time to train my body.

It is a goal for me though. And I want to make sure I am using my built up energy and working my body.

We were walking around SLC the other day, & there was a Whole Foods!

I am one of those foodie nerds who goes into the grocery store just to browse and not buy anything.

Also I am a poor college student who purposely didn't bring her wallet.

Thought I'd avoid the temptation ;) 

Anywho, while I was in there looking around, wearing my yoga leggings and new sneaks;

I felt totally and completely inspired. Don't ask me why, cause I have no clue.

But all of a sudden, I saw my future.

I could just picture myself. On a Saturday morning, fresh from a workout, shopping at Whole Foods.

A jug of water in my hand. It just felt so awesome.

I want to make sure I get back into my sweaty workout routine.

I know that once I go back home, I'll be ready to work it.

I might join my BFF's gym, and get a change of scenery which I desperately need.

Also, they have free fitness classes! In addition, I am ready to run the bogs & track at home.

Food is not so much an issue, now I am just focusing hard core on willpower & selfcontrol.

Overeating is a habit I desperately want to break ASAP.

Anyways, when I get back home, things will be great.

But for now, I've really got to pump myself up and hit the gym/track. 

It is so hard to stay motivated in the cold Idaho temperatures & the stressful workload of my classes.

But, my body will totally thank me if I find the time for sweaty work & strength training. 

 I've really got to balance my life.

I feel so out of whack and beyond lazy.

It's almost like I am walking through life half-awake.

So, I am making a goal to find balance this week.

I am driving the 4 hours back to Rexburg tonight, & I am going to start tomorrow off on the right foot.

Of course I am going to go easy on myself tomorrow,

I'll be tired & it is my busiest day. BUT I am still going to make this week great.

When you think about it, I only truly have 2 more months here.

Mostly just the long month of March. I think March needs to be a hard working month.

I am totally going to do it! I am going to get stronger, faster & healthier.

Most importantly, I will find balance. 

Here we go Em, let's make these next 2 months count!

“That’s what running does to lives. It’s not just exercise. It’s not just achievement. It’s a daily discipline that has nothing to do with speed, weight, social status, sexual orientation, political affiliation, where you live, what car you drive, or whether anyone anywhere loves you. It’s about the slow and painful process of being the best you can be.”

- Martin Dugard

I know this sounds crazy, but I am actually going to have some updated pictures after this weekend.

Like whaaaaaat?

But right now I am in Salt Lake City having an awesome long weekend! 

I just had lunch at a delicious Middle-Eastern resturant called Mazza, highly reccomended.

& I'm mostly doing homework, relaxing, & sort of just getting my act together.

2 months left out here! Isn't that crazy?!

I better get my butt in gear and amp of the exercise!

Especially since I've been eating like a monster lately. 

But to be honest, I am just trying to survive. 

Pictures to come. Still hard to believe I know. 

Holy YUM

I made cous cous with mixed veggies (mushrooms, peppers, & kale)

& I topped it with a heap of cilantro. 

Sort of weird, but it definitely hit the spot!

Observation: If you don't have your veggies regularly you will have a sugar rush--eat bad and too much and then feel like a piece of poop. 

I just want to apologize to my faithful veggies that I have been neglecting. I've learned my lesson babies! 

Also I've learned that depriving myself is no good and I just need to give into cravings. But not get crazy!

Most importantly, I can't beat myself up. I am learning. I am growing. I am making progress. 

I just need to throw myself into fitness as much as I can here, then get home and get my beast mode on. Woo!

Wishlist:

lulu lemons

Salt Lake City checklist:

red mango

run in the morning

organic grocery store

U of U?

homework

AmF book & paper

Day Trips for when I am Home: Salem, MA

Newport, RI

Lists

So I make lists..a lot. 

I need a way to keep track of all my random thoughts!

Because trust me, I have many. 

DIYs:

homemade pesto

homemade peanut butter

When I Get Home:

practice recipes

start running outside

gym often

less time in room..more with family

hike with dogs

learn guitar from dad
paint more
swim often
start insanity (make a set schedule)

read often

start a new blog

practice yoga 

spiritual nourish

Yoga Poses to Remember:

sunflower pose

pigeon pose

dolphin pose

warrior series

calf stretches

camel pose

bridge

chair pose
neck rolls
hands-on-knees shoulder stretch 

"To transform scarcity we need to 'Dare Greatly,' we need to cultivate worthiness, a clear sense of purpose, and we need to re-engage."

Finally got around to watching this.

I mean why watch the superbowl when the Pats didn't play?

But no, I was actually busy & doing homework. 

Nothing new. 

Anyways can we just talk about how friggin amazing Beyonce is?

That's really all I wanted to say.

All I want for valentine's day is Trader Joe's dark chocolate-covered peanut butter cups,

red mango, & a valentine to cuddle. 

Too much to ask? 

This basically sums up how I feel.

Actually it summarizes how January in Idaho is. 

Today I STRESSED. So I jamba'd, I overdosed on sunflower seeds, & 

I splurged on carob covered almonds.

I haven't cured my stress eating but at least I've improved the quality of the food right?

Sorta, kinda healthy right?

But seriously, I think discovering yoga class out here is the only good thing to happen recently.

A Little Blerp

I think that someday I will regret posting photos like these.

For now though, it's whatever.

As I've been pulling myself together this past week,

I've been getting myself pumped.

Mostly for summer, but I'm also trying to focus on the present.

I think I just need to vent it out right now.

I am 23 pounds from my goal.

THAT IS IT.

And I keep getting discouraged and losing hope.

But looking back on this whole journey, 

I've done pretty damn well.

No, you know what I've done friggin amazing.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

Mostly mentally, but honestly my whole outlook on life has changed. 

I'm a new person and I've come so far.

But I am always going to be self conscious.

I am always going to feel like the fat girl.

But I will never BE the fat girl again.

Because I honestly LOVE nutrition and I even enjoy fitness. 

This semester I have been stressed out HARDCORE.

My classes are so much more work this time around and they are harder.

And I want to make Operation Hot my first priority again,

but it is just proving to be too much.

The other issue is the weather. It is so unbearably cold in ID.

It makes me way hungrier. I think that also has to do with the stress.

I know these excuses sound trivial,

but last semester I was used to being able to workout for much longer.

And the thing is, I am fine with maintaining exercise and a healthy diet,

I just wish that I had more time to do more exercise!

Once I reach my goal weight, things will get easier.

Because maintaining is much easier than trying to lose all this fat.

And now that I am getting closer, it is getting harder.

BLAHHHHHHHH

I don't even know where I was going with this post.

Okay so the point is, things just aren't as awesome right now as I wish.

But I'm doing okay. I am shooting for 5 miles a day on the elliptical,

some weight work, and yoga.

Also I am working in regular squats, triangle push-ups, planks, & bicycle crunches.

If possible, I would like to lose 13 pounds before the end of the semester.

But most importantly I am just making sure I incorporate exercise into my daily schedule.

That is the most important. And obviously my school work.

The summer is go time though. I am getting all sorts of ideas for warmer weather workouts!

Also, I am cutting out peanut butter for the month of February. CRAZY I KNOW!

I am just going to keep going. That is all you can really do. 

I just want to say, I AM grateful for my progress.

And I am grateful for all the knowledge I have gained.

I am grateful for my body and all it is capable of. 

 Sometimes you just need to take a selfy.

& I do apologize for my look.

I just didn't feel like reapplying make-up after the gym,

you know what I mean?

This week has been signifigantly better than the last few.

I've got a more structured plan and goals;

all that crazy adult stuff!

I am just so excited to keep pushing through

and see where life takes me. 

Even in frigid Idaho things aren't so bad!

They could definitely be better,

but I am getting there! 

MORE CLOTHING FOR SALE

 Large Victoria Secret yoga pants $10

 Large Victoria Secret yoga pants $10

Large Victoria Secret yoga pants $10

 AK Large Black pleated knee-length skirt $10

 New York & Company XL maxi skirt $10

 L maxi skirt $13

 Levi's 14/32 straight leg jeans $10

 New York & Company size 16 knee length skirt 

 Arizona jeans size 15 long $10

 Lauren Conrad size 16 bootcut jeans $10

 American Rag size 13 straight leg jeans $10

 medium skirt $12

 H & M cotton pants Large $5

H & M cotton jeans size 12 $8

212 size 14 long black skirt $15

east 5th size 14 long black skirt $15

New York & Company XL high low skirt $15

Decree size 13 skinny gray jeans $15

Decree size 13 skinny dark blue jean $15

CLOTHES FOR SALE

XXL blue paisley shirt $5

 Old Navy size L summer tee $5

 Old Navy XL white tee $5

 H & M blue tunic $12

 New York & Company size S gray sweater $8

 Vintage Paisley Rose Long Dress size 8 $13

 Charlotte Russe Large sleeveless blue blouse $5

 H & M size 12 purple tee $5

 Worthington Large rainbow stretch blouse $7

 size 18  $15

 H & M size 14 long sleeve 60's dress $15

 Forever 21 Large cardigan $10

 XXL nightdress $8

 Scarf $5

 Downeast XXL navy blue long dress $15

 Old Navy Medium gray shrug $5

 H & M Large B & W sweater $13

 white tee $5

 Victoria's Secret striped teal tunic $8

 Vintage size 18 button up long dress $13

 Vintage 80's blouse $5

 Old Navy XL long sleeve, long green dress $14

 Vintage button up dress Size 18 $13

 Target XXL patterned dress $8

 H & M medium knitted sweater $15

 oversized sweater $15

 Large sweater $14

 H & M size 12 cardigan $8

 Vintage dress size 14 $10

 white blouse $5

 Worthington L stretch blouse $5

 Charlotte Russe XL blouse $7

 XL gray cardigan $10

 Charlotte Russe XL crop top $5

 Old Navy XL winter coat $35

 black XL cardigan $10

 Forever 21 crop top sweater $8

Large red sweater $7