Real Talk

     This is a hard post for me to write. I want to make sure I convey what I am going to say in the best way possible so you can see where I'm coming from and what has been going on in my life. I don't want to look on the past year with regret because I honestly believe every step I've taken has been essential.  

 

2013 was most definitely a year of growth in every way possible. I'm gonna be honest though, it's been sucky. 

January 2013, I was in Idaho at school. I had just finished Christmas break and everyone had complimented me on being so skinny the whole trip. Although I was at a healthy weight for me, I became obsessed. I did not eat enough and I overworked it in the gym. I didn't let myself rest. I'd binge hard when I did get my hands on some food. 

March I began making myself sick. I missed out on a lot of fun things because I was so obsessive. I finally concluded I had a problem and I decided I need to do something about it. 

May I was done with the semester, I was back in MA, and I finally got myself into therapy. I loved, and still love my therapist. I spent my summer in sessions with her learning about myself and developing self love. I acquired skills on coping with an ED. She helped me confront some of my fears and I even told my best friend that I liked him. I felt empowered. I was learning to show myself respect and believe in myself and my capability. 

September, I decided to go to a state school instead of Idaho again. I got an apartment, began school and it was okay. I was very lonely and slightly overwhelmed but I figured it would pass. Two of my best friends left on there Mormon missions which was a difficult adjustment for me. 

October was awful. My friends left and my depression symptoms were out of control. I struggled to get to class and eventually to get out of bed. I had no energy to go out, to exercise, to have a real conversation. I would cry constantly without knowing why. I was binging, binging hard, then starving myself as punishment. I finally called my therapist (then my mom) because I knew I needed to take care of this. She diagnosed me with clinical depression. 

I made the decision to withdraw from school. I knew I had missed too many classes to pass, and I figured it would be better to get a partial refund rather than pay to fail. I moved back home immediately and called the doctor. 

November I began Prozac. I self medicated with food ( something I discovered I've been doing for as long as I can remember.) I gained weight and it has continued to be really hard for me. 

December I weened off Prozac and began Zoloft. The Prozac was not really working. At this point I'm starting to improve and I feel ready for a new year. 

I have very supportive people in my life who have made this journey a lot easier for me. As I step into the new year, I feel like I know my heart and my spirit so much better. I've learned to accept myself and I feel confident that I know more of what I want out of this life. I feel stronger and more courageous. At church I've had so much support and I've gotten multiple blessings. These blessings mean a lot to me because they have helped me come to the conclusion that I need to be back in Idaho. I have decided to go back next fall. 

It has been a rocky year, but it has been important. I believe that we can grow from trials. They make us stronger. I feel very strong and comfortable in who I am now. I'm grateful for my blessings and my hardships. 

I wanted to write this post to clear up the confusion some people have had with me. I've definitely been jumping around to different schools and different majors, but now you have the whole story! ( the major thing is tbd. Cut me a break! Sheesh!😉)