December 1st

I don't have any nice pictures or lovely music for you today. Frankly I am too tired to even put in the effort. Basically I wanted to tell you that today is my due date. No, not pregnant. COLLEGE. I'm freakin' out. I suddenly decided that I actually do want to go far away for college. I am so sick of being here. That's not completely true, because I love New England dearly, but I need to start over. And now I am putting all my faith in this school, and if I don't get in I'll be crushed. I just know it. I just wish I could know. In or out. I am the world's worst worry-wart. Say that ten times fast. Today is December 1st. Usually this day makes me happy, it's the start of the christmas month, but instead I am tired and filled with worry. Not to mention guilt.

I've been crabby and judgmental, and let's just face it, a total burden to anyone who associates with me. No I am not saying feel sorry for me and I'm not playing a game of 'whose life is worse.' I'm just saying I've been tired and stress-y and a major witch because of it. I feel ugly/fat and horrendous. I hate the things I think and the things I do/don't do. I'm sort of sick of myself. I dropped a class at school because I got an F and now I'm taking almost all electives. I spend my days feeling like a failure. It totally sucks. But HEY you know what? I'm going to stop complaining about myself right here. Because I am becoming such a hypocrite. I hate when people do this, especially online, on a blog post. How pathetic/desperate. Although, here I am, doing the very thing I hate seeing done. Ugh.

Alright, here's something cool. I'm thinking about writing a novel. Well not really. More like a collection of short stories. A kid did that at school last year in an independent study and I just read through his book. It seems doable. At first I was nervous to ask and put myself on his level. You see he went to Harvard and I could never compare. But after reading his book, I feel like it's possible. I have been thinking about it all day. I've been jotting down story ideas and getting excited. I have so many things that I could write about! Even if I don't get approved for an independent study, I might just start writing it out on my own. I've always meant to write during my free time. But, seeing how that time hardly exists I haven't really. Now I feel inspired though. I'm not even sure how I got this idea in my head. I think a friend mentioned it. But all of a sudden I feel completely exhilarated. I'll keep you posted.

I feel so boring. All I talk about is lame stuff on here. Not that I talk about anything exciting when I'm not posting. All I talk about is my job, college crap, and lame school stuff. I don't have a boyfriend. My social life is pretty dull and repetative (I eat with my friends, see movies, & drive around. cool right?) Sometimes I wish something amazing would happen. Also I want to make my blog prettier. I KNOW. I've said this before plenty of times, but one of these days I'll get around to it.

Here's another piece of dull info. I FINALLY went to get my diana f+ film developed and surprise, surprise, it didn't come out. I was slighty bummed but I saw it coming. I definitely feel more confident now that I talked to the camera guy so here we go, round 2. Please disregard my 1st pancake. Hopefully this next time round, I will get it right and I'll have some cute pictures to share with you all.

I've almost run out of fuel on this blog post. Can you believe that? I've just talked about all sorts of boring things and now I'm just going to end. I hope you weren't expecting something awesome. You should have known better if you did. Please wish me luck and pray that I get into my college! It's feeling like a longshot, but I'm just going to keep my chin up. If you honestly read this whole thing, congrats you just learned how selfish/boring I am. But, hey, thanks for letting me vent! It's probably what I'm best at.

Okay time to stop being a hypocrite!

Emma xoxo