Yes, I am the worst blogger in existence, I'm trying to be better. I've got a million things happening & probably a gazillion pictures, but today I just need to write. I just need to clear my head and lay it all out on paper, or in this case, on the screen.
I am freaking out. FREAKING OUT. In 1 month I am off to a college I have never seen, to a school full of people I do not know. I am leaving everything I know behind and I am wicked scared. I feel so unprepared. I still don't know who my roommates are, I don't know if I signed up for the right classes, and I have never even seen the school. I don't know my way around AT ALL. I know that a year from now I will look back on this and laugh, just like everything else I freak out about, but right now I am stressin'. And it is not only this that is bumming me out, actually this is just the tip of the iceberg.
It may seem stupid and cliche but I feel like once I leave, everyone will forget about me. I mean it's normal to think that because that is honestly what happens. I am not around so it is easy to forget. But, I don't want to be forgotten. The friends I have here are so important to me. Maybe I am just being dramatic, but I love home so much. I love my family and the people I have met here. I love my work and most of all my church family. I have so many people standing by me which fills me with so much love. That is why it is SO hard to leave. I pray that I will stay close to the people in my life that mean the most. And I know that is what everyone says and I know that everyone always talks about how they always lose contact with their high school friends but I DON'T want that to be me. I mean, yes, I have already lost contact with some people, but I really want to stay close. Ugh, it can't be that hard, right?
Alright I've got something I need to say even though usually I don't like talking about this, but it has been a major issue for me. I am so discouraged about losing weight!! I have been getting in shape and eating very healthy for a while now, but I am feeling so hopeless. I have lost weight. On a rough scale I would say about 20-25 pounds since March, but I am sort of hitting a rut. I am determined to lose another 25-30 pounds. It is my ultimate goal and it would be the greatest thing. I have been doing massive amount of research. Like crazy amounts. I know so much about the right things to put in my body, and I know the exercises I should do to tighten up, but I also know something else.
Ever since I was a kid, I recognized that my skinny friends could eat whatever and however much junk they wanted and not gain a pound whereas every single thing I eat is there. You can see it. Once on the lips forever on the hips is no joke. Let me tell ya. And as a kid..that sucked. I mean really really sucked. It didn't make sense, and it wasn't fair. It still isn't fair. But the cool thing is, that throughout the years I've been able to adapt healthy choices because I know what junk food does to me. Especially recently. And as I was researching weight loss I discovered that my body type actually has a name. The way my body reacts to food is actually a medical thing and apparently it's never going away. I am going to struggle to lose and maintain weight my ENTIRE life. That fact just exhausts me. Because this whole process is hard, like really really hard. Not just physically. Mentally and emotionally it kills me. So much. Those anorexia videos they show you in health class about the girl who looks in the mirror and just sees a big, flabby, ugly whale? Well, I can relate. And yes, I've seen results and that has been awesome but it's just not enough for me. Sunday I splurged and ate ice cream, like a LOT of ice cream and ever since then I've been completely depressed. I backtracked and have lost hope. This can't be normal right? And it isn't like I've gone completely offtrack and started eating out of control, it was just the ice cream. Since then I've had green smoothies & salads. So why can't I just be okay with the splurge?
Truthfully I can say that I enjoy eating healthy. Is that weird? But, it's true. I feel better when I do. I don't feel fat (well not as fat) and I feel good about making a healthy decision. Also, I've been researching eating clean. When you think about it, your body is a machine. Food is fuel. So, you want to put the best fuel into your machine in order to get the best output right? That is how I have adapted to seeing it and it has really changed my perspective. Processed foods and junk are not going to do anything for you except slow you down and hurt you. They are filled with unhealthy ingredients and chemicals. Yuck. I can not say I am the best representation for clean eating because I am not a saint (far from it) but I have definitely seen the light. The cool thing is, you don't need to give up all those foods you love! There are ways to adapt recipes to get that same taste at a healthier cost. Which is awesome! This summer has really been a game changer as far as health goes. I mean I've always know this stuff, but I am finally getting it together and getting responsible for my health.
As for exercise, I love moving! Even just taking a walk is better than lounging around. I am definitely more self-conscious when it comes to exercise. I'm not very fast or very strong yet. I am trying to incorporate running and toning right now. Planks are a killer! But they are definitely the best core workout there is, if you ask me. The issue with exercise is finding the time. Life gets so busy and it is hard to find the time. But, I am trying to make it a priority in my life. As it should be. I also struggle with feeling satisfied. I am a perfectionist, and a lot of the time I just don't think I worked hard enough in a workout. I know that I could always be working harder and I try to push myself to do so. I think exercise is the push that is going to help me drop the rest of this stubborn weight. Eating healthy is becoming a sort of habit and now it is the exercise that I really need to focus on and kick up a notch. It is difficult being a teenager and changing my lifestyle like this. Most of my friends eat as much junk as they want and sit around. And I am not in any way bashing them or what they do, I just know what I have to do and I can't let them stand in my way. I am always trying to take care of other people. But now it is time to take care of myself.
I would have to say my biggest inspiration is my Nana. I hope she never reads this because, oh boy would I be in trouble. But the thing is she has so many health issues and it all comes down to exercise. My Nana and Papa are two peas in a pod. They do everything together. They eat the same foods. The only difference is that my Papa exercised and my Nana didn't. And my Papa is in really good health while she has a bunch of problems. I love them both so much, and I hate to see her having to deal with all these medical problems and feeling lousy so often. I really don't want that to be me. I want to enjoy life for as long as possible and to the fullest extent. I want to be able to walk and stand without feeling winded after a few minutes. I am glad that I have decided this now, and not when I am older, facing medical challenges. I am pretty excited to go to college, mostly so I can choose my own meals and not have a kitchen full of tempting foods. My Dad buys so much junk and my Mom bakes yummy things way to much. And I know it is selfish to ask them to stop, but oh my gosh STOP. Will power is the hardest, and I don't have as much as I thought.
I think that my issue is just about having patience and continuing to strive for perfection. I mean that is what we are all looking for in all aspects of life, not just weight right? I just need to keep going. And it is hard work, but good things will happen. I will get there. I guess it is just difficult to stay positive when everywhere I turn, there are skinny girls. The media portrays women who are not average and who are ESPECIALLY not curvy like me. They make guys look for that type of girl which in the end makes me feel hopeless and unlovable. And that is stupid. I know that I am of infinite worth, and I know that Heavenly Father is going to take care of me. But it just sucks so much that I feel this way. And I know a guy will come along someday and change all that. He will love me for me, but that is getting hard to wait for too. I just need to keep working and trust that I will have my chance. Let go and let God. That's what they say right? Also, it is difficult to be around so many skinny friends. Okay, it always has been. But it just doesn't get easier. I am starting to hate how I sound in this blog post. I'm such a whiner. The thing about it is that I am a big girl. Not that I am fat, but I am tall and curvy. Which makes for bigger than my shorter, smaller friends. And that gets to me. It is stupid to let it get to me when I know that I am actually very blessed to be the person I am. But I can't help feeling self-conscious. I am definitely trying to accept what I cannot change and change what I cannot accept. I am going to lose this weight and get healthy and I am going to accept that even by doing that, I will still be bigger than some of my friends. Which is okay. I will be healthy for my height and that is what matters. Jealousy is a waste.
On a new note, I've got something else weighing me down. I am feeling so incomplete because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My best friends all seem to have it made; ballerina, doctor, psychiatrist. They all know, whereas I feel like I could do a bunch of things. I do not know how to settle for one thing! And this may sound corny but when I think about the future, I mostly just get excited about being a mom and housewife. It is cliche and honestly strange that that is what I see because I've always been very supportive of working women and being independent. But, I can't shake it. I want that so bad. Also though, I want to have some form of income. What I have learn from my years working is that I do NOT want a desk job. I want something where I move around and am actively doing things. I also want a job where I can be creative and independent. I am so unbelievably torn. And I feel like such a flake. Everyone else's dreams are so incredible and mine are just mundane. I really hope college is good to me and helps me learn what to do with my life. Because as of now, I've got nada.
I've just grown to love Massachusetts so much. It is my home. New England is the most beautiful place in the whole world in my entirely biased opinion. I've been to plenty of other places but there is no place else that makes me feel as at home as this place. I love Boston with all my heart; I love the history there. I love walking the jetti in Plymouth, it makes me feels so at peace. I love the cape, and I love my home town. New England has stolen my heart. I always thought I would move far away, and now that I am, I just don't want to leave. I feel very strongly that I will come back for good someday. Until then though, I am going to have a bunch of awesome experiences. I am not going to let fear get in the way of all that Idaho has to offer. Or any of those other places out West. And even though I am leaving everyone I love, I know I will be back. And they are going to love me just as much as when I left. I sure hope so. If you actually read this whole thing all I can say is WOW thanks for listening to me rant. It feels good to get this off my chest.
Everything happens for a reason. Got to just keep thinking that.
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