Okay I've rethought my freak out. This is the perfect time to dream and make changes. Visualize the goal and work for results. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. 

Bad day

I'm having a really bad day. I'm at the doctors and I am back at my highest weight ever. I'm crying in the doctors office right now. I'm embarrassed in so many ways. I know that this outburst and this weight is the effects of depression but it doesn't change how miserable I feel. I'm trying to have hope. It's just so so hard right now. 

I'm praying for strength that I can commit to this juice cleanse and flush out all my toxins and negative thoughts. I need a miracle right now because I really don't feel strong. 

Bad day

I'm having a really bad day. I'm at the doctors and I am back at my highest weight ever. I'm crying in the doctors office right now. I'm embarrassed in so many ways. I know that this outburst and this weight is the effects of depression but it doesn't change how miserable I feel. I'm trying to have hope. It's just so so hard right now. 

I'm praying for strength that I can commit to this juice cleanse and flush out all my toxins and negative thoughts. I need a miracle right now because I really don't feel strong. 

Sicky pop

I can't believe it's Wednesday. What a week. I came down with the flu while I was babysitting Monday night and then I spent Tuesday entirely in bed with a yucky fever. Today I made it to the couch for some doggie cuddles and classic movies (can you say Anne of Green Gables?) I could complain about this sucky situation but I actually think it is the perfect opportunity to set the reset button. A few dear friends of mine have been on a juice cleanse for TWENTY days. TWENTY! They have lost a bunch of weight and boosted their energy. 

I've been reading about natural cures for depression and a really big help is riding excess toxins from the body. I know that my diet lately has not been great. I've definitely gone from clean eating to S.A.D. (Standard American Diet.) So a cleanse sounds like just what I need right now! 

Although weight loss would be nice, I'm more concerned with gaining energy and a stronger body. Better skin and a slimmer body would just be the cherry on top! I need to go shopping but I'm hoping to begin this weekend. Wish me luck! 

Happy

The only person who is in control of my happiness is me. I need to find my spark again. My zest for life. I've got so much to do after all. 

Progress

I'm currently nursing a knarly migraine while my brother pounds the drums. Needless to say I'm ready to move out again. 

Today I finally made it back to the gym. It was not the best workout ever, but I'm proud of myself for taking the first step. It was challenging, but I really need to improve my health. This time around it is more about my mental health! 

I'm feeling really good about this week! I started having somewhere to be everyday and I get paid to watch some awesome kids. I've set some goals and am striving to put myself on a better path. Progress! 

Music Crush

Rumblings

My wittle babies. I'm not going to be a cat lady. Ill be a dog lady I swear. 

I've been trying to make small simple changes in my life this week and I'm doing pretty good. With depression you mostly want to curl into a ball and just sleep, but I'm avoiding that and trying to work and go out and do something with my life! It's hard to get started but I'm trying to stay inspired and keep the faith.  

Music Crush

Snowed In

Current weight: 1,000,000 lbs. 

Today was frigid and we spent the day snowed in. I read some of my book, deep cleaned my room, cooked dinner, & walked the dogs. Yes it's not much, but I look for the good in everyday. Recognizing what I accomplish makes me feel stronger. 

I'm going to start cleansing my body tomorrow. I've got a ridiculous amount of fat that has accumulated over the past few months, and I'm ready to burn it away. I'm in control! 

Real Talk

     This is a hard post for me to write. I want to make sure I convey what I am going to say in the best way possible so you can see where I'm coming from and what has been going on in my life. I don't want to look on the past year with regret because I honestly believe every step I've taken has been essential.  

 

2013 was most definitely a year of growth in every way possible. I'm gonna be honest though, it's been sucky. 

January 2013, I was in Idaho at school. I had just finished Christmas break and everyone had complimented me on being so skinny the whole trip. Although I was at a healthy weight for me, I became obsessed. I did not eat enough and I overworked it in the gym. I didn't let myself rest. I'd binge hard when I did get my hands on some food. 

March I began making myself sick. I missed out on a lot of fun things because I was so obsessive. I finally concluded I had a problem and I decided I need to do something about it. 

May I was done with the semester, I was back in MA, and I finally got myself into therapy. I loved, and still love my therapist. I spent my summer in sessions with her learning about myself and developing self love. I acquired skills on coping with an ED. She helped me confront some of my fears and I even told my best friend that I liked him. I felt empowered. I was learning to show myself respect and believe in myself and my capability. 

September, I decided to go to a state school instead of Idaho again. I got an apartment, began school and it was okay. I was very lonely and slightly overwhelmed but I figured it would pass. Two of my best friends left on there Mormon missions which was a difficult adjustment for me. 

October was awful. My friends left and my depression symptoms were out of control. I struggled to get to class and eventually to get out of bed. I had no energy to go out, to exercise, to have a real conversation. I would cry constantly without knowing why. I was binging, binging hard, then starving myself as punishment. I finally called my therapist (then my mom) because I knew I needed to take care of this. She diagnosed me with clinical depression. 

I made the decision to withdraw from school. I knew I had missed too many classes to pass, and I figured it would be better to get a partial refund rather than pay to fail. I moved back home immediately and called the doctor. 

November I began Prozac. I self medicated with food ( something I discovered I've been doing for as long as I can remember.) I gained weight and it has continued to be really hard for me. 

December I weened off Prozac and began Zoloft. The Prozac was not really working. At this point I'm starting to improve and I feel ready for a new year. 

I have very supportive people in my life who have made this journey a lot easier for me. As I step into the new year, I feel like I know my heart and my spirit so much better. I've learned to accept myself and I feel confident that I know more of what I want out of this life. I feel stronger and more courageous. At church I've had so much support and I've gotten multiple blessings. These blessings mean a lot to me because they have helped me come to the conclusion that I need to be back in Idaho. I have decided to go back next fall. 

It has been a rocky year, but it has been important. I believe that we can grow from trials. They make us stronger. I feel very strong and comfortable in who I am now. I'm grateful for my blessings and my hardships. 

I wanted to write this post to clear up the confusion some people have had with me. I've definitely been jumping around to different schools and different majors, but now you have the whole story! ( the major thing is tbd. Cut me a break! Sheesh!😉) 

MISC.

Size L. $50. 

 H&M. Size 14. $40. 

 Calvin Klein. Size XL. $20. 

 Beatles Sweatshirt. Size L. $20. 

 Workout short sleeve. Size XL. $10.  

 Stretch work pants. Size 6. $20. 

 Shirt or Skirt. $10.

 Lulu Lemons. Size 8. $60. 

CARDIGANS & BLOUSES

Black cardigan. Size L. $7.

 Long black cardigan. Size L. $15. 

 Size L. $10. 

 Victoria's Secret. Size M. $15. 

 Size L/XL. $10. 

 Size M/L. $12. 

 Size XL. $5. 

 New York & Company. Size L. $15. 

 Charlotte Russe. Size M/L, $15. 

 Urban Outfitters. Size L. $7. 

 Victoria's Secret Pink. Size M. $10. 

 Size L. $10.

 Size M. $12. 

 Size M. $5. 

 Size L. $15. 

 Size M/L. $15. 

 Size 2X. $10. 

 Size XL. $15. 

DRESSES FOR SALE

Size S/M. $15. 

Size  M/L. $15. 

        Old Navy, Size 14. $15. 

   Old Navy, Size L. $15. 

 Maxi Dress. Size XL. $15. 

 Size M/L. $10. 

 Size 14. $10. 

BEWARE

Get ready for another wave of 'broke Emma is trying to sell all of her belongings.' Yes it is sad. Yes I'm desperate. So help a sistah out, will ya?! Here is the first batch...a bunch of bath and body works products. 

$5 for the bigger stuff and $2 for the small. Hardly used if that!